Unsent Letters

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Dear Yahoo! Mail,
I have very important e-mail messages trapped inside you, and I am currently unable to read them. The sooner you allow me to do so, the happier I will be. Do not make me have a nervous breakdown over your inability to function properly. Thank you.
Love,
Allie

Dear DJ,
If I come in to the production room, that does not mean I wish to have a conversation with you. It is also not license for you to tell me I smell good, then proceed to smell my hair. That is just plain creepy. Also, your Harry Caray is not nearly as good as Will Ferrell’s, so kindly stop. Actually, stop doing a lot of things. Maybe working at the station? Okay, thanks.
Cease and decist,
Allie

Mother Nature,
Thank you for the beautiful weather of late. Keep up the good work! You are awesome!
Love,
Allie

Al Gore,
Congratulations on your Oscar win! I knew there was a reason you were my favorite politician!
Love,
Allie

TJ Maxx,
Thanks for having a fantastic array of cute dresses for me to try on! (The one the model is wearing here is obviously superior to the rest of them … which is why I bought it to wear to my boyfriend’s formal.) You have yet to disappoint me this year, and I appreciate it! Thanks for being cheaper than the manufacturer’s suggested retail price!
Appreciatively,
Allie

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