I hope the blog title brought everyone back to 1990 and the episode of Saved by the Bell where Jessie Spano got hooked on caffeine pills.
Tomorrow and Tuesday are my last days at my parents’ house. I’m ready to get out of Indianapolis, the city of endless road construction and needlessly cold weather, and so excited to see my sisters and friends again in a few short days. However, the idea of going to class again makes me want to stay. I am dreading sitting in a classroom and having someone talk at me. I am really excited about my new internship because I think it’s something I actually want to do, and I am ready to live it up this semester. But do I have to go to class? Really?
These last few days here are probably going to be hard on me. In theory, this break should be no different than any other break. I’ve had a month to spend time with my family and relax, but in the back of my head, there’s a little voice that constantly reminds me that this is my last Christmas break. Next year, next Christmas, I’m going to have a “grown up” job. Next year, I won’t get a month to spend with my family. I’m going to be living somewhere else permanently and making money and paying bills and trying my hardest not to be terrified of the real world.
I’ve spent the past three and a half years away from my family, so why is this impending separation the hardest? The jury’s still out on my spring break plans, but seeing as how I’ve never done anything over break, I kind of want a vacation for a few days. Maybe I’ll spend some time with my family, too. If not, the next time I’ll see my parents is my graduation. And that’s when it’s real — as in, there will be nothing left for me to do but be a grown up. And I don’t know if I’m ready for that quite yet.
I’m ready to leave a lot of things behind me. The most important things and people are the ones I’m taking with me. I have plenty of ideas for what I can do with my life after graduation. The ball is already rolling for one of those things, and that’s the one I want most. Those plans gave me a lot of confidence until a few days ago, and the reality really started sinking in. I am face-to-face with the end of the best years of my life and on the verge of even better years, and I am scared. However, with fear comes hope, and I really believe that this semester is going to give me the guidance and direction I need.
I wanna let go and know
That I’ll be all right, all right
- Matt Nathanson, “Car Crash”
