All right, it’s time to come clean. I am a firm believer in honesty, and even though this is my blog and subsequently the story of my life, I don’t think it’s fair to edit my story to make it pretty. Life isn’t pretty, life isn’t simple; life is complicated and messy, and what comes next is a testament to that.
I got laid off yesterday. That’s maybe one of the ugliest things I have admitted. There is something inherently wrong about being laid off — you can’t control why you’re the one to go, why this is happening to your company, and even though you did nothing wrong, you still feel like you’re a big fat failure because you’re unemployed (for circumstances beyond your control but unemployed nonetheless).
Here’s the deal: I went to an amazing college that I adore with all of my heart. Please note that adore is present tense. I graduated a year ago, spent months looking for a job, and finally landed a temporary position that, due to my hard work and awesomeness, was made full-time two days before my twenty-second birthday. My job was not without its hard times, and it seems that this year was an exceptionally difficult time for my alma mater. A lot of things happened that I wouldn’t wish on any organization, and everything hit me twice: once as an employee, once as an alumna.
The financial situation at my university is not good. Personnel cuts were inevitable in balancing the budget. I, along with another one of my counselor coworkers (and, you know, eighteen or so others), was let go. As with anything else, it hit me twice, and to be very, very honest, although I am happy to do whatever I can to help my precious alma mater, I kind of feel stabbed in the back. I gave the last five years of my life to that place, and this is it.
I am a consequence of someone else’s bad decisions. (“Someone else” refers to past administrators and the economy.) What happened to me is a direct result of something over which I have no control. That’s the hardest part: This was completely out of my control. I’m leaving knowing I did absolutely everything I could do to the best of my ability — and I did it well. Trust me, I rocked.
Putting things in past tense is hard. Like I said, this is where I spent the past five years. I gave that place everything I had, and it is so hard to imagine not being there. I knew I wasn’t going to stay forever, but I needed the end to be on my own terms. I was so idealistic (and probably naive) to think that this was going to last for so long. The beauty of my alma mater is that they do such a good job of protecting the students from how bad things are, and I’m grateful. Would it have been nice to know how serious things were when I got hired? Sure, but I’m so happy none of that clouded my college experience.
So there it is. There is the ugly truth about life kicking me when I’m down. Please don’t say you’re sorry; I appreciate your sympathy — really, I do — but it’s kind of lost its meaning now. I will say that I still am so proud to have graduated from my beautiful, beautiful alma mater, and if you happen to have some extra money lying around and would like to donate it somewhere, holler at me. I’ll give you contact information for our development office. It may sound weird, but my bitterness and confusion is not with the university itself; it will always be my home and will always have a huge chunk of my heart. I want it succeed, with or without me being great at my job. If that’s not true love, I don’t know what is.
In an ironic turn of events, I am now exactly where I was a year ago. Who would have thought that a year after graduation, I’d be looking for my second job? Not this girl.
Oh, and because I am also a firm believer in attributing sources, the title of this post comes from “Dress Blues” by Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit. Music lovers, why did you not tell me about Jason Isbell? I feel like y’all were holding out on me. Love, love, love him and his band — and they’re from Muscle Shoals, Alabama, and y’all know I love Alabama.
AND in my self-pity, I totally forgot it was Tuesday, so instead of three fun facts, here are three things that are the objects of my obsession at the moment: “Not Enough” by Erick Baker, “Pretty Things” by Joe Firstman, and “Dress Blues” by Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit (obviously). Voila.
2 Comments
May 7, 2009 at 9:31 am
Sorry to hear about your being laid off. I also work at a university, as do many people I know. These are difficult times, but I’m confident that things will begin to improve soon.
I enjoy reading your blog and hope you keep writing.
May 7, 2009 at 5:01 pm
Not gonna lie: This comment made my day a little better! Thanks for the sweet support and encouragement!